All is not well

Back in 2002, i had just started college, and i had big dreams for myself.
i wanted to be successful, and although this is a shallow image of success, i my idea of success meant having money.

to be exact, it was the stereotype kind of success that's portrayed in the movies.
big hotshot job/owning a company. earning lot's of money, i don't want to be ridiculously rich, i just want enough to live like the movies. IT"S SHALLOW, I KNOW!

back then i made a target to myself, i want to earn IDR 5 million per month when i reach 25. that's actually a reachable goal, cause when i reached 25 i know several people who earned that much. but i didn't. in fact, when i reached 25 i was unemployed. i had income, albeit not a steady one, but it didn't reach 5 million.

and now i have nine days left at being 25, and i still don't make that much.

now don't get me wrong, i make enough money to enjoy life, but i feel bad for not achieving a target i made for myself.

and now i know that there are many different versions of success. not just the movie type. i have spoken to many successful people so i know, the fact that i don't earn 5 million right now does not mean that i wont be successful. but i really hate myself for not achieving the target.

i hate myself for being too lazy
i hate myself for my constant procrastination
i hate myself for not being disciplined
i hate myself for wasting my potentials, i know what i can do, but i also know that i was responsible for not doing them.

i need more control over myself.
i need to slap myself for every extra minute i spend in bed when i should be doing something else, something better, something more productive.
i need to stop making up excuses, stop justifying my destructive acts.

i have so many things to do. even when i do managed to have some spare time, i used the time to do things that i don't really need.
i have more thousands of pictures that i need to filter if i do want to at least have a decent portfolio. at least that way i can prove that i really do take pictures, i don't just carry a camera around.
i swear I'm a decent blogger, but i never did have the time to write. then again, i need to correct that sentence. i never MAKE the time to write.

my time management sucks, because i lack discipline. and poor time management leads to poor productivity.

i do realize that my life is a mess. i need to make a new game plan and stick with it!!
as a firm believer in the power of management i am angry at myself for not being able to manage myself.

all is not well, i cant let this go on. cause it will only hurt me more and more. i need to fix this.