should i make a new blog?

i think that my multiply is full of personal entries

i kinda wish i had space to put my writings that are more, how should i say this... professional? well, maybe writing is not my profession, but i really do have that passion to write, but i don't want it to be cluttered with my personal entries about how i feel or other sappy stuffs like that.

i just want a space filled with my work. do you think i should do that?

Quick hello to my blog.

I'm sorry that i've neglected you lately...

i was too busy dealing with my life. hadn't had a chance to write a real entry.

not that i didn't have an idea what too write.

i just didn't write them. no excuses.

i won't say that i don't have time.

i won't say that i didn't have the energy.

this time, for once in months i won't make an excuse.

i just didn't.

intro to Independence and Adulthood

I have always dreamt of independence.

having my own place. riding my own car, paying for all my bills, with my hard earned money.

and i got a taste of it lately.

well, no. i haven't been able to buy my own place. *that coveted studio apartement that have existed in my imagination since i was in junior high.*

but i got the house all for my self. *everybody else was out of town*

and no, i haven't bought my own car. *that red lancer that has been racing in my mind*

but the Mazda MR90 is for me to use. *so in a sense, it's "mine"*

using the money i earned, i paid and cooked for my own food. *the cooking part weren't that succesful*

and i paid for the gas and oil change and the minor repairs of the car. *haven't had enough dough for the big repairs*

i wasn't left with the house long enough to pay the bills. but i was ready to.

i also gave some money for my little brother, and paid for his food.

all in all, in a way, i was playing "grown-up".

it seemed pretty cool in general. that satisfying feeling of control and self-fulfillment.

but when i was too tired and fell sick because of all the work and play activities that i did, it wasn't so nice. i didn't have anybody to take care of me. no one to ask me how i was, no one to find me my meals. no one to remind me to take my medicine. and when i feel too tired to go to work, i still have to go. cause i don't want to lose my job. i have bills to pay.

 

and i start to wonder, whether adulthood would really be that way.

26.06.2008

ini lagu yang membuat saya termenung tadi malam....

-Stop this train-

by John Mayer

No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight
You renegotiate"

"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

------------------------------------------------------------------------

i know i'm good at being young..

but i just can't stop this train.

i can't help growing but i refuse to let the kid inside of me go. No matter what!

what i'm made of

The skin i've donned since birth has provided me with protection and a base for my identity.
this mouth, this nose
this pair of eyes that hardly close
my fingers and my toes
some becoming crooked by my own actions
the stubborn wavy hair on my head
coffe coloured skin
the eyebrows that i took great pride of for no apparent reason

The dimple in my cheek only appears when i smile but it gets deeper with each smile i cast.
I've learned to smile when i want to,
when i don't want to,
when i had to,
and not to smile when i want to but i'm not supposed to.

The surface is covered with scratches and scars from countless escapades,
from justified and unjustified fights
from sticks and stones that have been hurled towards me,
the balls that richoched from my foot and ending up in my face,
scars that would not have stayed on had it not been for my ignorance

the lines in my face bear markings,
from each time i frown in deep thought,
be it from contemplating the troubles of my own,
the burdens of others which i really want to lift,
methods of setting the worlds to right,
or maybe i was just making up my mind about what to have for lunch.

Problems that i endured have produced blood, sweat and tears
all of which has gushed and flowed across me
filling the time-made canals which deepens with each episode of live
i don't think they have ever been completely dried up.

my body bears witness
of all the wrong decisions i've made
of all the right ones that seemed wrong at first, but proved right in the end
evidence of my stupidity, my wisdom, and my stupidity to ignore my wisdom

it might have been nice to have a pristine surface
but somehow my cover just can't betray my insides
i am what i was born with,
what my mistakes are,
what i've learned,
what i've been through,
what i choose to be.

had i learned different things,
had i chose different choices,
i might have a different outlook.

but it wouldn't have been me.

The Optimist's Creed

I got this from www.thesecret.tv, even if you don't read the book i still think that this is a good thing to know and to practice in life.
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i promise myself:

to be so strong that nothing can distrub my peace of mind.
to talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person i meet.
to make all my friends feel that there is something worthwile in them .
to look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
to think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.
to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as i am about my own.
to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
to wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature i meet.
to give so much time to improving myself that i have no time to criticize others.
to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
to think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
to live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as i am true to the best that is in me.

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if you want to reflect, i find that you can know a little about yourself by choosing which lines you think are the hardest to fulfill, and which lines are your favourites

please feel free to share those reflections in the comments.

21 days to change your life (edited)

It is said that it takes 21 days to form a habit. 
I’ve included some excerpts about it below. 
I am planning to try, (take note, I said TRY) to start forming new habits. 
I figured that my current state of unemployment must mean something. 
At least I should be able to make some good out of it. 

So right now, I’m trying to figure out what habits should I try forming in order to become a better person.
 Right now the list is as follows

1. Punctuality (I’ve had a problem with tardiness my whole life)

2. Self-Discipline (concerning money) I am an impulsive buyer

3. Positive thinking -> I’m a born pessimist

4. Setting my priorities straight -> need I explain more

And now, my question is, (since I adore starting discussions)

“what habit would you form in order to really change your life?”

"Dr Maxwell Maltz wrote the bestseller Psycho-Cybernetics.

 Originally a Plastic Surgeon, Maltz noticed that it took

 21 days for amputees to cease feeling phantom sensations

 in the amputated limb. From further observations he found

 it took 21 days to create a new habit. Since then the '21

 Day Habit Theory' has become an accepted part of self-help

 programs.

…

The essence of the technique is simply to devote 15 minutes

a day to the formation of any habit you wish to establish,

and do this faithfully for 21 days. By the fourth week, it

should actually be harder not to engage in the new behavior

than it would be to continue doing it.

This applies to any type of habit, whether it is a physical

practice or a way of perceiving something, such as self image.

In Zero Resistance Living, they talk about changing your self

image in "the theater of your mind" for 15 minutes a day, for

21 days.

It will also help to establish the habit if the behavior, such

as jogging, is performed at the same time of day every day.

Other senses can be utilized to establish the habit. For

example, if you want to establish the habit of meditating,

you can reinforce the practice by wearing the same clothing,

burning the same incense, occupying the same location, and

assuming the same posture.

The more senses you can involve in the new habit, the more

likely it is to become ingrained in the neural pathways,

so, even if you're working on your self image in a mental

construct, it's helpful to use all the faculties of your

imagination to include sights, sounds, smells, and the

senses of feeling and taste to strengthen the image which

you come to associate with your new self image. In other

words, make it seem as real as possible.

If you miss a day, just keep going until you've been

doing the new behavior for 21 days in a row.

http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=786165

memperkosa diri sendiri

dulu waktu saya masih SD ada pelajaran menyanyi.
pada satu pertemuan kami ditugaskan untuk menyanyi dan lalu memberikan nilai bagi diri sendiri.

saya (dan sepertinya ini juga berlaku untuk sebagian besar anak-anak di kelas) merasa bahwa ini adalah kesempatan emas.
dengan begini saya dapat memberikan diri saya nilai yang tinggi.
maka setelah selesai menyanyi saya memberikan diri saya sendiri nilai 8, hal ini (seingat saya) juga diberikan oleh beberapa teman yang lain.

setelah semua orang selesai bernyanyi guru saya membandingkan nilai yang diberikan semua orang kepada dirinya sendiri dengan nilai yang dia berikan.

saya tidak terlalu mengingat nilai2 teman2 yang lain.
yang saya ingat adalah bahwa saya diberikan nilai 6 sementara saya sendiri memberikan nilai 8 untuk diri saya sendiri.
tak lama setelah itu beliau mengatakan bahwa apa yang saya lakukan itu tak ubahnya memperkosa diri sendiri.

sebagai seorang anak SD saya tidak terlalu mengerti maksud dari pernyataan tersebut.
saya hanya merasa malu saat itu.

sekarang saya melihat ke belakang dan menyadari kesalahan saya.
I over-rated myself. and it is as dangerous as under-rating one's self. probably even worst.

sejujurnya saya benar2 merasa bahwa saya layak mendapatkan nilai 8 tersebut.
dan mungkin itu telah terjadi berkali2 dalam hidup saya.

berkali-kali saya merasa bahwa saya berhak mendapatkan sesuatu, atau merasa bahwa saya bernilai lebih dari pada yang selayaknya saya dapatkan.

berkali-kali dalam hidup ini saya memperkosa diri saya sendiri.
raping myself, enjoying while unknowingly hurting myself at the same time

Pamrih.

Kenapa anda berbuat baik? Kemarin dalam perbincangan saya dengan seorang rekan yang lebih tua dan lebih bijak terlontar wejangan darinya agar saya mencoba memperbaiki diri. Ketika saya bertanya untuk apa,  katanya “yah agar menjadi manusia yang lebih baik, biar dapat pahala, dst..”

 

Tadi pagi saya teringat pembicaraan itu lagi. Di atas ojeg seperti biasa. Dan saya jadi teringat lagunya john lennon, imagine there's no heaven... no hell below us..., seandainya perbuatan baik tidak dianugrahi pahala oleh YME, akan tetapkah anda berbuat baik?

 

maaf, bukan maksud saya mempertanyakan kebijakanNya dalam menetapkan insentif bagi umatnya. yang saya pertanyakan adalah apakah anda berbuat baik demi mendapatkan pahala? kalau begitu namanya pamrih dong?

 

saya masih mempertanyakan motivasi saya berbuat baik. hal ini menuntut objektivitas dan pengenalan diri. jadi saya belom berani mengambil kesimpulan pasti. saya harap saya berbuat baik karena saya tahu sakitnya apa bila seseorang berbuat jahat pada saya, dan saya juga tahu betapa enaknya perbuatan baik itu. tapi tentu saja itu bisa dianggap sebagai pamrih. saya melakukan ini agar mendapatkan itu. pahala itu sekedar insentif

 

apabila alasan saya melakukan sesuatu adalah semata2 karena keinginan pribadi? apakah itu pamrih? atau egois? Bukankah manusia dianugrahi dengan kehendak bebas?

 

Kalau dipikir-pikir, rata-rata kita melakukan tindakan dengan harapan mendapatkan sesuatu karenanya.. ya ga?

 

Baik-baik dengan seseorang dengan harapan bisa mendekatkan diri..

Memakai baju baru dengan harapan dipuji..

Memakai celana bolong supaya disangka garang, atau mungkin supaya dibelikan celana baru.

Membantu pacar baru mantan pacar supaya dia melihat bahwa kita adalah manusia yang lebih baik, dan akhirnya dia kembali.

Mencintai seseorang supaya dicintai kembali. Padahal dia punya segala hak untuk menolak. (dapatkah anda mencintai tanpa mengharapkan balasan?)

Sederhana aja, membantu orang tak dikenal supaya dianggap orang baik.

 

pernah ada kejadian, Semua pengemis diatas jembatan penyebrangan benhil masing-masing saya beri uang seribu

Saya tidak menyesali tindakan tersebut, tapi saya malu karena saya melakukan hal itu bukan hanya karena saya ingin membagi rejeki saya, bukan pula demi mendapat sedekah, tapi karena saat itu saya sedang berjalan bersama seseorang yang hendak saya dekati.

 

Maaf, saya munafik dan melakukan itu dengan harapan mendapatkan sesuatu yang lain..

 

When was the last time you did a favor?

Why did you do the favor?

What did you expect to get by doing the favor?

jadi teringat acara realitas yang berjudul "tolong dong", dimana ada kaktor yang berpura-pura minta tolong dan orang yang menolong diberikan imbalan uang dengan jumlah yang cukup besar..

saya rasa sejak ada acara tersebut ada banyak orang yang menjadi "rajin" menolong, dengan harapan yang ditolong adalah bagian dari crew acara tersebut..

refleksi 20-07-2007

berdasarkan pengalaman dan perasaan periode akhir2 ini, saya memutuskan untuk mencatat beberapa refleksi atas diri sendiri...

1. saya punya gengsi yang agak tinggi.. punya masalah dengan mengakui kelemahan.
2. saya menetapkan standard yang tinggi untuk diri saya sendiri. meski belum tentu saya bisa mencapai standar tersebut. dan bila saya mencapai saya gagal saya akan menjadi sedikit tertekan.
3. saya idealis. padahal sudah bukan jamannya lagi bersikap idealis. hidup saya dan orang2 disekitar saya mungkin akan lebih mudah bila saya sedikit membengkokkan prinsip2 saya. tapi saya terlalu idealis dan gengsi untuk melakukan itu.
4. saya seharusnya cukup sadar akan keterbatasan-keterbatasan saya, namun saya menyangkal hal2 tersebut karena saya percaya bahwa kalau saya akui maka akan benar2 terjadi.
5. saya egois.
6. saya suka tantangan, saya suka menjelajah dan mencobai hal2 yang tidak saya ketahui. eventhough i am a sore loser at times, i still like to compete. ( bad combination)
7. saya ridak suka merasa "dikalahkan" (di luar ataupun di dalam situasi lomba) oleh orang2 yang tidak saya sukai/saya benci.
8. saya memerlukan tujuan yang konkrit dan dinamis. i need to now where am i headed and where to go after i get there.
9. i still have a lot to learn, about myself, people in general, and life.
10. i suffer from delusional grandeur.