FUNemployment

Today I learned a new term from the Investopedia newsletter, it's Funemployment! basically about young people with less fiscal responsibilities who are using their unemployment phase to have fun. In other words: me.

Despite the fact that my grandmother is worried about my not having money. So far I have managed to cut my expenses down and earn enough money from sidejobs to pay my major bills. And in case you're wondering, I still have my savings and it's actually increasing, not decreasing. 

So, I think it's safe to say that atleast for this month, it's still fun being unemployed. 

i'm no donkey

for only a donkey would fall into the same hole twice...

but then again, as it is, the signs are showing that maybe i am a donkey.

WAIT! before i confuse you any longer, let me give you a condensed version of the background of the situation. 

on june the 18th, 2009 my contract with my former company expired. despite the fact that i wanted to continue my employment there, i was not willing to stay as an intern. and due to the usual administrative problems, right now i am unemployed. 

NO, i'm not gonna whine about being unemployed. after going back to my old posts during my unemployment days, (and believe me it was a long period) i realized how pathetic i would be if i start whining again now. 

so i made up my mind that 

1. i would try with all my might not to whine about it.

2. i will try and get an even better job

3. i will do all those things that i've been meaning to do all along but didn't have the time to. (e.g work on my blog, clean up my room, etc)

4. i won't waste my time

and the way everything's going right now it seems that i am slowly slipping towards that good old familiar hole. up until this night i have not achieved anything important to me. no applications sent, my room is getting messier, and, had i only taken the time to make one, a to-do list that's longer than my desperately-needing-a-haircut hair. 

and the list actually gets longer and longer with each passing moments, since the more free time i get, the more "project ideas" i come up with. all i've been doing these past couple of days is.. mostly wasting my time with sleeping and looking for trivial stuff on the net. sounds like a dejavu to me. 

but who am i to let myself fall deeper into the same hole.

as i type i am currently in the process of making a short movie. at least one of my projects is undergoing. i'll  keep you updated with the progresses

the fifteen-minute ramble

okay, in an effort to reawaken my writing spirit (has it ever been awake?) i will set the countdown timer of my under-used CDMA phone to 15 minutes and force myself to write for the entire 15 minutes. i will try to ignore formal writing conventions and i may even change languages during the course. and i will try not to care. all i have to do is just write-write-write, right...now

okay, i just pressed the start key. i just realised that there is no need for me to rush, this is not about speed, quality, nor quantity. it's just a writing exercise. if i'm not mistaken i read about it somewhere back in college. hey, mom-and-dad, all that tuition money paid-off... i guess. 

well anyway, the reason i'm doing this exercise is to get a writing groove inside of me. i've been abandoning those writing muscles for quite a while... and i kind of want to have a writing skill readily available. i want to establish a blog with quality writing that i churn out frequently. and hey, establishing a credible online personality wouldn't hurt. doesn't have to be big and notorious. i just want at least a small portion of the net to recognize my name. i wonder how hard it would be. hell, i haven't even determined the target and the indicators, how would i know if i'd succeed..? and damn, i really should stop fussing about the small and technical stuff such as plan, strategy and measurement. although they are important, but if i keep waiting till i've developed an ultra-complex plan with minimal chances of failing, i'll never get started.. and this applies to everything in my life!!!! damn... stop planning dee! start doing..

hahahah, i just called myself dee, i haven't done that for a long time. and it seems corny to refer myself as dee, cause people would think that i'm copying dewi lestari. dang..  i really need to stop worrying about what people think. it's inhibiting. i think i'm reminded of the "dee" name because of my brother, when we chat last night, he called me dee. hell, maybe he's been refering to me as dee all this time, but i've never realised it since we mostly talk verbally. i thought he was just callling me "di" hahah. by the way, i dunno if i really should limit my use of the backspace button. i make so many mistakes... good thing this is digital. if it were written on paper you would see a paper covered with lines, crosses, and repairs. well i don't think repair is the correct word.. damn, my english is getting worser and worser. my verbal brain is deteriorating!. what's the word? repair, revise, argh... so tempted to leave this window and open another to find the right word. i was worried that if i did that then i would be distracted. i kind of suspect that i have some mild form of ADD, cause i really find it hard to concentrate. but then again i really shouldn't worry cause the countdown timer had already went off... wow, 15 minutes fly real fast... oh and i just took of to google translate to find the word i was looking for, it's correction. the 15 minutes are already over.. why am i still writing?|

i really should stop cause i realize how boring this might be to all of you (if there's any) readers out there. actually i still have so many things to ramble.. maybe this is what i need to re-organize my thoughts.  ibetter take it offline and do it privately then. but i do hope if there's any body reading this out there, that you find this piece of writing at least somewhat amusing. okay, i'm rambling. better stop and press publish. 

i want to write

i want to write, endlessly.

i've been composing and arranging words in my mind incessantly. everywhere i go, anywhere i look, at anytime of day i find something that inspires me to throw a bunch of words and mix them to portray an idea, a story, lyrics to an unknown song, an opinion, a work of fiction, notes of lessons learned, or maybe even a tear-drenched diary entry spiced up with envy.

i want to write.

i want to fill all my blogs with megabytes of letters, and i'd really appreciate it if people would come, read and maybe even (hopefully) follow them.

i want to have a big thick diary with a big bad lock  for me to dump all those thoughts and feelings i just cant express to other humans.

i want to write a short story that's decently enjoyable and maybe get them published somewhere. (a credible media i hope)

i want to write a novel that is not a mere reflection of my character and life story with highly imaginative twists that are not one of those twists my foolish mind keep injecting into my daydreams.

i want to compose a non-fiction self-help book. simply so that i don't have to carry all the other self-help books around.

i want to write a column in a newspaper.. but i know it's still a loooooooooong way to go.

i want to write reviews, and reports, and copies for ads.. oh my dream job as a copywriter would require me that.

and i want to write this and that and this and that....

i gotta stop wanting, quit dreaming. and start writing.

between needs and wants

i need a diary, cause i  have no other outlets to express my true feelings. humans won't work.

i want more hours in a day, so that i can write.

i need a new lock.... so my room would be mine.

i want something new, despite all the changes going around me

refleksi saat ini...

saya bingung, kenapa kalau terjadi sesuatu yang buruk reaksi pertama orang-orang adalah mencari siapa yang disalahkan, bukannya mencari solusinya dulu.

can anybody tell me what that is?

i had just come out of the office when i noticed that streak of light. i was wondering if anybody could explain to me what that is. what is that?  a shooting star? a meteorite? a fallen aircraft? WHAT?

tentang disiplin

saya mempunyai banyak rencana

- Blog baru yang lebih "komersil"

- menyusun play list untuk penyemangat di pagi hari

- menulis berbagai article untuk mengisi blog

- mengatur jadwal harian baru

-  menghitung anggaran

- dan berbagai rencana dalam berbagai skala lainnya

 

namun rupanya saya tidak memiliki disiplin diri yang cukup untuk melaksanakan berbagai rencana saya itu.

maka saya pun terinspirasi untuk membuat tulisan tentang disiplin diri sendiri. namun sepertinya rencana yang itu pun akan tertunda karena ketidakmampuan diri saya mendisiplinkan diri

Quick hello to my blog.

I'm sorry that i've neglected you lately...

i was too busy dealing with my life. hadn't had a chance to write a real entry.

not that i didn't have an idea what too write.

i just didn't write them. no excuses.

i won't say that i don't have time.

i won't say that i didn't have the energy.

this time, for once in months i won't make an excuse.

i just didn't.

My name is gajah and i am a plurkaholic

now don't get me wrong. i still love my multiply.

but sometimes i just don't have the chance to write a full blog. (contohnya yang satu ini, kebetulan aja di kantor belom pada masuk)

dan lagi multiply kadang terlalu menggoda...

sudah sejak akhir juni saya tergabung dengan plurk, awalnya iseng.. gara2 baca artikel di koran.

and i joined, awalnya sekedar untuk mengakomodir kebiasaan saya untuk bercerita secara kronologis. (kalau di multiply biasanya saya tulis di kertas/text file, trus malamnya/besoknya di post. kadang saya udah ke bentuk naratif dulu)

dan lalu saya mengundang teman2 saya untuk bergabung.. tumben2an mereka mau gabung..

maka ramailah dunia plurk saya.. apalagi plurk dapat dengan mudah diakses melalui ponsel. makin lama saya makin kecanduan. dikit2 cek plurk, memberikan respon, dll. it's so simple and low maintenance, jadinya sering

dan rupanya hal ini juga terjadi pada teman saya. ada yang mengaku mencek setiap 3 menit. saya juga kurang lebih begitu sih, dikit2 melirik tabnya, mencari tulisan 1 unread, atau kerap merefresh halaman, dengan harapan ada perubahan.. saya pun kerap menyusun sebuah status dalam kepala, seakan sedang berhadapan dengan komputer dan memasukan input baru *gajahbiru is confessing her plurk addiction in multiply*

saya tidak tahu sampai kapan plurk addiction ini akan berlangsung. maybe it's just a fad.

mungkinkah dianalogikan multiply sebagai orang yang saya nikahi dan plurk adalah selingkuhan sesaat di saat tugas keluar kota. not necessarily better, just more convenient.

memang ga selengkap multiply, tapi kalau untuk sekedar menyuarakan isi hati sesaat, membuat catatan status pada suatu waktu, it's good enough.

for know, this is where you'll find me http://plurk.com/redeemByURL?from_uid=547840&check=1346607726&s=1 when i'm not multiplying.

 

 

katanya..

kata temen gue, sehari sebelum ulang tahun biasanya ktia bete seharian.

let's see how today goes.

the report will submitted later today.

hari pertama jadi orang dengan pekerjaan tetap lagi.

this was my first day on the job.

dan katanya kan ya, gue harusnya nyampe kantor jam 7. dan dalam rangka menghindari kemacetan dan teman2, gue bangun jam 5. (terima kasih kepada Audi, Amel, dan Nungky boy yang telah berpartisipasi membangunkan gue)

sesuai anjuran andri jam 5.50 gue uda ngelewati lampu merah swadaya. maka dipaculah mobil MR 90 itu sewajarnya.
 ada sepeda nyebrang yang menyebabkan APV di depan saya berhenti, maka ngerem lah saya. tau2 di spion saya lihat ada motor nabrak bagian belakang mobil saya.

sempet keluar mobil bentar, ngecek orangnya ga papa, bemper ga papa, lanjut lagi...
tau2 ada motor sok solider yang ceritanya marahin saya.
(saya ga salah mas, kan emang depannya berhenti, lampu rem saya nyala kan? maka sesuai peraturan jalan raya bahwa yang belakang wajib jaga jarak maka saya ga salah dong?)

akhrinya nyampe atma jaya jam 6.20 trus jalan kaki ke WTC.

trus nungguin..
masih nungguin..
and still waiting...
tak ada yang kunjung tiba untuk membukakan pintu saya...

akhirnya bisa masuk jam 7.50an.

briefing..

scanning koran..

bikin summary...

lunch... (damn, i just realised how much i missed day light)

balik lagi ke kantor,  sbenernya tugas uda selese. tinggal pulang

atas nama solidaritas tetep disana..


dapet tugas translate..


(damn, i miss being able to stretch my legs)


akhirnya pulang.



oh, semoga saya bisa bertahan 6 bulan kerja kantoran seperti ini...
i would love a field job

the push

It's official,
what i've been expecting all week.
like the pink elephant in the room that everyone knows but doesn't know how mention.

i am officially dismissed.
this saturday would be my last day working in unicom.
the reason is acceptable, i've been working at the incubator for too long.
they say it's time to move on
i know it's time to move on

and know i have to move on.

right now i'm still numb, but i don't know when my emotions will finally come out.
and when it does, i don't know what will happen.

be still my heart. be strong my soul.

guilty pleasure or pure diversion?

saya:
-sedang sakit, dan mulai meriang
-harus cepat2 pulang karena rumah kosong
-harus mempersiapkan untuk wawancara besok
-harus mempersiapkan diri untuk ketemu pak agung besok. (i dont think it's going to be good.)
-punya banyak hal lain yang lebih baik untuk dikerjakan

tapi kenapa saya justru membuang 40 menit terakhir membaca gossip artis?

that is so not me..
somebody save me, please.

Pre Holiday syndrome

Besok adalah hari libur, Kenaikan isa almasih yang bertepatan dengan May Day.
sementara saya tidak bekerja di hari jumat, ga ada shift.
hari sabtunya juga ga bekerja, karena saya sudah bekerja di hari sabtu sejak 2 minggu  yg lalu.
minggu, seperti layaknya manusia pada umumnya dan juga Tuhan, saya beristirahat pada hari ketujuh.
so officially, say akan manghadapi serangkaian hari libur.

dan saya baru menyadari sebuah pola perilaku dan perasaan yang selalu saya alami dan lakukan setiap menjelang libur panjang.

I become anxious.
cemas, takut, ada sedikit kekhawatiran bahwa saya akan... Kesepian dan kurang kerjaan.
perlu saya beritahu dari sekarang bahwa secara umum memang saya kurang suka yang namanya liburan panjang.
biasanya di hari pertama saya masih menghargai karena dapat kesempatan untuk tidur, istirahat, dan bersantai.
pad hari ke 2 saya mulai kurang kerjaan...
apalagi di hari2 selanjutnya... i dread the possibilities.

padahal seharusnya saya bisa merasionalisasi untuk melawan kecemasan ini.
1. baru gajian. jadi saya seharusnya tidak terkurung di rumah sendirian kurang kerjaan. minimal bisa belanja.
2. hari jumat andri minta ditemenin ke UI, ada janji buat nyebar kuisionernya edo, hari sabt uada RUA, ajakan jalan, ajakan nginep, dll.
3. saya baru mendownload beberapa e book, kemarin baru beli 2 buku, dan masih banyak games yg belum saya tamatkan di rumah
4. intinya saya sebenernya ga kurang kerjaan.. kalo dipikir2 malah terlalu sibuk.

but why do i feel this anxiety?
can somebody help me?

jumat agung di gloria jean's plaza adorama

saat ini sedang menikmati wifi gratis dengan sebuah mango smoothie di sebelah saya

di depan saya adik saya dan temannya sedang brainstorming ide iklan mengenai global warming

saya sedang menunggu ibu saya untuk muncul di yahoo mesenger. its been 2 weeks since she went abroad. kinda miss her.

seharusnya saya mengerjakan terjemahan pesanan tante saya..

tapi saya malah sibuk menulis blog, chatting dengan melda dan ikutan brainstorming dengan adik saya.

i think i have a little problem with priority. and my mother has a problem with getting on line.

ibu, online dong!!!

The search for happiness: a visible result

In my struggles to face mortality, the fear of losing loved ones, external and internal pressures from my employment status, not to mention other facts of live that continue to haunt me each time i wake from my dreams, it's not odd that i found myself in a very gloomy state these past couple of days. With the unavailability of certain people whom i feel comfortable enough to reveal my true fragile self, i no longer have any outlets of emotional outbursts.

all these things have prompt me to begin a search. a search for happiness. happiness itself is an abstract concept, you can't really describe how it looks like, and i might have to broaden and prolong the search for an indefinite period, till i die maybe?, but at least recently i have found a somewhat visible result for that search for happiness.

"what did she find?" or  "where did she find this so-called visible result for the search for happiness?" you might ask? well none other than on this abstract addiction of mine, the internet. 

the visible results looks like this:


if the image is to small for you, you can always visit
http://www.google.co.id/search?q=happiness&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a

or better yet, why don't you just search it your self. just search happiness on any of your favorite search engine.

hahaha! sorry for the bad joke. it's just a manifestation of this mixture of gloom, despair, and utter loneliness that I'm going through right now.  I am extremely grateful for my friends and family for their support, but i just don't have the person/thing i need right now to overturn my condition. oops, stolen outcry.

sakit perut!!!!

lebih baik semua diceritakan secara kronologis. saya sedang tidak mampu menulis secara naratif.

Minggu. 17 Februari 2008.
Pagi, mungkin sekitar jam 8.
saya terbangun dan ,meski sudah ada perasaan lapar, saya memutuskan untuk tidak beranjak keluar kamar dan meneruskan bacaan saya, "horizon beyond", mengenai Julius Tahija.

sekitar tengah hari,
saya memutuskan untuk beranjak mencari makan di rumah bapak saya. tiba disana entah kenapa saya kehilangan nafsu makan dan hanya mampu makan 1/4 dari porsi saya yang biasanya.

sekitar jam 2-3an
saya meringkuk diatas tempat tidur, sudah berpakaian lengkap dan siap pergi, namun tertaklukkan oleh perasaan perih menusuk di bagian perut.

sekitar jam 4an
akhirnya berangkat juga, sebenarnya enggan, tapi teringat bahwa ada pesanan yang akan diambil hari selasa. untungnya bisa pakai mobil. tidak terbayangkan kalau harus mengangkut selusin kaus naik kendaraan umum dalam keadaan seperti ini.

jam 6-8an
berjuang untuk tetap sadar, melawan pengapnya terminal blok M, "tamparan" kipas angin murahan yang setiap beberapa menit mengoleskan rasa tidak enak ke badan saya. my body is not delicious, i think i enter wind

jam 9an
nyupir pulang sendirian, memutuskan untuk mematikan AC dan menutup rapat semua jendela, i've had enough wind, thank you! untungnya si Mita nelpon sehingga sakit itu tidak teracuhkan. segenap kaca mobil mengembun begitu tiba di rumah.

jam 10an
terkapar di sofa...

beberapa jam kemudian
tengkurap di sofa

beberapa jam lagi kemudian
menyamping di sofa

beberapa waktu kemudian
terjongkok di lantai

tak lama
di kamar mandi, panggilan alam/dorongan perut

Senin 18 Februari 2008

Pagi, sebelum jam 7.
sms ke bos, meminta ijin apabila hari ini agak telat dan mungkin seharian bolak-balik ke kamar kecil

jam 9an
tiba di tempat kerja, mencoba untuk terlihat tegar

jam 10-14.00
ke belakang setiap 30 menit
mulai terlihat pucat lemas. tapi ga bisa pulang karena nunggu teknisi ya baru tiba sore, mau servis laptop adik saya.

6 sore.
antara sadar dan tidak

8.30 malam
di ojek. berjuang untuk tetap sadar

10 malam
terkapar lagi di sofa.

(to be continued)

selamat buka puasa semuanya!!

selamat buka puasa semuanya!!

dealing with mortality

sebuah kejadian baru2 ini mengingatkan saya kembali atas kefanaan kita sebagai manusia.
i don't know when my end will come.

sempat terpikir, kalau nanti tiba waktu saya untuk menghadap Tuhan, seperti apakah saya?
will i have fulfilled my wish list by then?
apakah saya akan mati untuk sebuah alasan yang bagus? was it really something worth dying for?
akankah saya masih mencintai orang yang selama ini saya cintai?
apakah kesan dari orang2 setelah saya tinggalkan?
will they cry?
apakah pada saat saya mati nanti secara umum saya dapat dikatakan "berguna" selama saya hidup?

sempat terpikir apakah saya akan sempat mengatakan kepada semua orang yang berarti bagi saya, betapa berartinya mereka semua bagi saya?

a little thing to ponder, what will you have achieved when you die?